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Review no Jutsu!
Constructive Criticism and Reviews for Naruto Fan Fiction
Seeking constructive criticism, please. ^^ 
3rd-Dec-2005 09:45 pm
Duckbutt Hair
Title: The Promise
Author: grey_sterling
Pairing(s): NaruSasuSaku (older... 17-ish)
Warning(s): Porn. Mmm, porn...
Genre(s): Humor/Romance
Rating: M?

Summary: Naruto thoughtfully brings some porn home to share with his teammates.



Edit: Figured the likelhood of getting any more comments to be awfully slim, so taken down for editing like whoa.

Please forgive me, it's just been driving me crazy that it was sitting here being so very... unaltered. ^^;

Comments 
8th-Dec-2005 01:12 pm (UTC)
It actually has quite a bit of promise. There are, as you say, a couple of places where the wording is slightly awkward, but really, they're minor. You've generally done a good job making it readable and understandable.

If anything, I'd say the writing is somewhat sterile, especially for a subject and situation so inherently sexy. You could use more florid descriptions and get away with it. There's an emotional content that seems somewhat lacking.

What is the history of this situation? Have they fooled around before? How far have they gone? Who started it? Where does Sakura expect this to go? Where does she want it to go?

The character voices are also just ever so slightly flat. I want a better sense of who they are and how they talk to each other, not only through words but through actions. Sasuke's movements matching his personality, Naruto's his and so forth. And Inner vs. Outer Sakura. You have room to make Inner much broader, especially given that Outer Sakura is apparently doing things that in an earlier incarnation even Inner Sakura would only have dreamed of wistfully, never believing her prim exterior would have the balls to go for it, so to speak.

You could take more time, add more scenic description, and make the whole piece much richer. What does it smell like in that room? What is the quality of the light? What is the texture of Sakura's skin and Sasuke's hair, and the bedspread they're sprawled on. Generally I'd say you need to enliven it and give it a sense of being a real place, with real people, taking real actions.

I hope you find this useful. I wish I had time to give you a line by line critique, but perhaps this will help?
13th-Dec-2005 05:19 am (UTC)
Thank you so much for replying. I was afraid it was one of those fics that was so bad no one wanted to touch it. XD I think I see what you mean about it being flat and sterile. I'm not very experienced with writing fiction (obviously). I think I'm trying to write it like I would an essay. Plus I tend to edit the hell out of everything I write about two seconds after it's typed to make the ideas as clear as I am able, so I'm left with the facts, which are boring. Someone else kindly pointed out my awkward sentences to me, and the fact that many of them are really much too long.

I will take all your suggestions and run with them. I will continue to work on it and probably show it to a few other people, see if there is any improvement from the first draft. I doubt I will ever actually post this anywhere, but I know I will never improve if I don't ask for opinions.

Your post was very helpful. Thanks again. ^^

22nd-Dec-2005 05:52 am (UTC)
I'm really glad I was able to help. I think it has promise, as I said. And if you do edit it, I'd be curious to see how the suggestions you received influenced and changed the writing. I hope you continue working on your writing, and as a reader or a writer, stay a part of this review community.
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