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Review no Jutsu!
Constructive Criticism and Reviews for Naruto Fan Fiction
REVIEW: Children's Feelings something that will awaken by NarutoFanGirl4991 
28th-Nov-2005 11:24 pm
butterfly, cactus
I feel as though I’ve been remiss as a leader, seeing as I haven’t myself posted a review yet. So bravely (or foolishly, your call) I decided I would pick the first Narutofic I came across on ff.net, no matter what it might happen to be. 

   
Title: Children’s Feelings something that will awaken 
Author’s Summary: “Naruto has a daughter and Sasuke has a son. The two cildren think the other is a bad and weird person. Saniiro Sasukes son is more like Naruto exept a little calmer and Aiko Narutos Daughter is exactly like Sasuke but talks a little more. Lets see what happens the parents got along but can the kids.” 
Summary: Basically, it’s about two OCs, the children of Naruto and Sasuke, who dislike each other initially but will eventually get together. 
Genres: Romance/humour 
Rating: T 
Plot: I’m honestly a little foggy on this. I reread it a couple of times, and I’m still foggy on this. See summary for my best guess. 
Grammar, Style, Spelling and Punctuation: Here There Be Dragons. There are multiple spelling errors, an almost complete lack of punctuation and capitalization, grammatical mistakes like “there” for “they’re,” incomplete or badly written sentences, and the author almost never identifies who is speaking. Also, the fic is written almost entirely in dialogue, making it even more confusing to read. And for some reason, there are spaces between the quotation marks and the dialogue.  Not sure why that precisely annoyed me, but it did.
Originality: It’s not the first fic I’ve seen featuring the next generation.
Characterization: We haven’t seen enough of canon characters to really tell… though I’m not sure why Naruto and Hinata apparently stood idly by when their son sacrificed himself to protect his sister.  
Entertainment: Less painful than eye surgery I’ve had. Confusing, mostly.  
Canon: It doesn’t obviously contradict canon. 
Flaws: See above.  It's just plain hard to read.
Strengths: No obvious Mary Sues. 
Suggestions for future writings: Spellcheck. Find a beta reader (or several) you trust to help you with the grammar and punctuation. (I recommend naruto_betas). Identify who is speaking. Add description. Flesh out the OCs, rewatch the show and pay more attention to the characterization of the canon characters. Shorter titles. And one of the best ways to learn how to write is to read good authors (fanfic and published) and pay attention to how they do it. 
Overall rating: (Wow; Good; Promising; Bad; Toxic!). Bad/Toxic. 

Sample of the story: 

" Aiko just reject the feeling then " 

" I cant he wants me to have them and since... since it happened...I...cant reject them" 

" Its okay he wont care if you dont if you do " 

" Before he...he...died he told me that my emotions were the most important thing and to never let go of them but when he left they left with him" 

"Aiko then only reject one emotion and keep all the rest then atleast youd have most of them" 

" It wont work...His last wishes will not be in vaine i will foefill them " 

" Your talking weird are you sure your not sick" " Im not sick im serious "  
Comments 
30th-Nov-2005 02:58 am (UTC) - Update
The story has apparently been taken down by the author. Whether or not this was connected with this review, I've no idea.
30th-Nov-2005 08:49 am (UTC)
Oh fearless leader, what a noble sacrifice. I don't think I could have done that, just taken one at random and made myself read it, especially once I realized it was bad. So thanks for doing this. It's a shame there's so much bad fic out there. I have to say I'm shocked the "kids" in this story weren't MarySues.
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