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Review no Jutsu!
Constructive Criticism and Reviews for Naruto Fan Fiction
Review: "No Regrets" by BitterEloquence 
9th-Oct-2005 02:40 pm
rats
Title: No Regrets

Author: Bitter Eloquence

Summary: The legend of the Great Green Beast of Konoha and the infamous Copynin Hatake Kakashi are well known tales in Konoha. When a young Gai challanges Kakashi to a duel, the legend begins, and neither have ever found reason to regret it. Drabbleish.

Genres: General/Drama

Rating: K+

Source: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2575064/1/

Plot: Kakashi's a thirtheen year old jounin, Gai's the same age, a chuunin. This tells the story of the very beginning of their "rivalry" when Gai first challenges Kakashi, and why.

Grammar, Style, Spelling and Punctuation: Overall OK, but one or two errors with the wrong word used, tense agreement and consistency, a word ommitted, etc. There is a fairly serious problem with the formatting in the exchange near the end. I believe it is Gai who asks, "Your word?" and Kakashi who replies "You're going to take the word of a ninja?..." But the way the author has formatted the dialog, it appears to be the reverse, for that entire section of conversation. Don't be afraid to use "Kakashi said" "Gai replied" and so forth. And make sure that a character's reaction to another's statement takes its own line, not sharing it with the first, especially if you are NOT going to use demarcators to indicate who's speaking.

Originality: Good. Gai's motivation for the challenge is something I haven't seen before. It made him seem very human. And stories about the early lives of these characters are in relative short supply.

Characterization: This is an interesting take on their early lives. It's nice to see Gai come off as human - a difficult task with a character so close to the edge of broad buffoonery. I liked how the author has conveyed Kakashi - scorned and feared for his genius, for possessing the Sharingan, for just being too good for a child. You see the early seeds of his aloof, unaffected calm - and how Gai sees through his front to the isolation and lonliness. You also see the beginnings of Gai's beliefs about the perils of being a genius.

Entertainment: It's short and sweet. Definitely worth reading.

Canon: No errors that I could see, but I'm not much of a canon weenie.

Flaws: The ending is weak. It has a "then they held hands and swayed in the moonlight and lived happily ever after" feel to it. It's unnecessary to wrap the story up. It would have stood on its own just fine ending it at "'Friends, huh?" Well... He could probably have done worse...'

Strengths: Insight into character psychology. Generally excellent use of descriptive vocabulary.

Suggestions: Strengthen the ending by ommitting the summation. Fix the formatting problems with the dialog. Have the piece edited for grammar.

Overall rating: Good

Sample of the story: The Green Monster of Konoha and Copy-Nin Kakashi had been rivals since their days as teenagers. Gai remembered looking on as everyone fawned over him in public. Then turn around and whisper secretly behind his back about how a child should not be that strong, should not possess something like the Sharingan.

The Uchiha in particular had been especially bitter and almost vindictive in their disgust that someone not of their bloodline had come to possess what many considered the treasure of their family. Being a genius, especially a child-genius, was not something to be envied, the young Gai had secretly surmised.

That was why he had picked a fight with Kakashi.

The pale-haired jounin was standoffish at best and coldly distant at worst when the mood struck. He was an alien caught between two worlds. He was too strong, too terrifyingly powerful and blood-soaked to be able to associate with kids his own age, yet exiled from the world of adults because of his age; exiled because they feared him.

Innate genius was to be feared as well, Gai decided. If people couldn’t understand how it worked, then they were scared by it. He was not scared of Kakashi and thus he’d strode right up to the boy and challenged him to a match.

Kakashi had declined.

There you have it, my first review. I chose this one because it's short, it's good, I had something substantive to say, and I could crib from my own earlier review comments in ff.net.

I sincerely hope more reviews will be coming soon.
Comments 
11th-Oct-2005 09:52 am (UTC)
*blush* Thank you so very much for showing such an interest in this work. Your suggestions were perfect and echoed my own discontent with both the dialogue and my supreme dislike of the ending. ^_^;; Nice to know I'm not the only one cringed at that. I'd like to blame my laziness on lack of pride in this piece but I'll be honest, I'm lazy. Simple as that.

All the same, the review certainly made my day even if it I did take my another one to fix it..*cough* Again, that terminal laziness of mine coming into play.

Thanks again for the rec and the critique. ^_^
11th-Oct-2005 03:15 pm (UTC)
Hey, it was my pleasure. Seriously. I'm so glad you found my critique helpful. Your work is strong - it deserves to be more widely read. I'll be eager to re-read this when you've edited it. I'm sure you could ask anyone on this forum to beta it for you, if you do decide to rework it.

As for laziness - hey, I think I've got you trumped. I've spent my life honing it into an art form, or maybe a sport. Perhaps we could form a team and compete in Synchronized Procrastination at a Writers Olympics some day...
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